It's over.

Today: 31 Jan 2008. It was the deadline for 2 of our projects.

To many emotions and on-going happenings could be the cause for my sudden breakdown today. I really didn't know what happened. Everything is still a blur...

But I know that partly the reason was due to the projects. I did a lousy job and the time to hand in was 9am. And at 9am was my quiz which I haven't even studied for. Suddenly, I fell silent and that silence consumed me. Before I knew it, tears were rolling down my eyes. I wipe my tears away but they roll down my cheeks. Please stop crying. It is so embarrassing. And you have a quiz to concentrate. Stop crying. Eventually, I paused with only one or two pearls gliding down.

If my group projects don't get a good mark due to late submission, I will never forgive myself. I just felt that I did such slipshod work. Everything I done was a mess. I felt like such a failure. The reason why I finished my part at the last minute was because of my sorry excuse for being tired. I fell asleep while attempting to do. To all my group members, I am sorry.

At the moment I am just glad that it's over.

NICOLE'S 20th B'DAY!!!

OMG! Today was Nicole Yap Pei Yi's (hope I got the spelling right) birthday! 20th to be exact. HAHA. Dinner was at Foo House. Near simpang bedok. And going by the surname, this restuarant is HAINANESE! And like most of my friend knows, I am HAINANESE too =D! okay okay, enough of my nonsense.

where do I even start.

let's see...
I had lessons today which was lab stuff. Had to 'stir' mayonnaise and tomato puree. HOW FUN? *sarcastically* LOL. But hey, I get to play with my food =X
Anyway, no pictures. Should have taken something. But no worries, not worth seeing anyway.
BUT, wait for Friday because I will be having my blood analyzed! Something to look forward to. Not for the faint-hearted.

Anyway, (I get easily sidetracked. =p) so ended school and was rushing my projects which are due on Thursday. Rushing and rushing blah blah blah. And I finally managed to leave the school at about 2.30pm

Got to Red Man (it is a shop that sells baking stuff) to get golden syrup and to NTUC to get unsalted butter and sour cream for the frosting for the chocolate cake which was for *drum rolls*
NICOLE YAP PEI YI! =DDD

The process would be too boring to be stated so I shall just let the pictures do the talking.



Let me warn you, looks are meant to be deceiving. It does look good, I have to admit. But the taste was so chocolaty that eating a slice is so RICH and FILLING! Honestly, I think I failed. Oh well, there is always a second time in trying right? haha.

Anyway, stay happy and enjoy the beginning of your 2nd decade of life. Cheers Nicole =D

*breathe*

Time is about 11.35pm on a Monday night. Sorta just got back from my work. Trying to balance everything. The past week has been a rocky one. Adjusting to work and studies. We gain some we lose some. But I definitely lost some.

I did mention that no matter how busy, I will, must keep this blog alive. It is the breath of my life. The existence that I am, will or become. Expression is something we need to do. Bottling everything will kill you. Been there, done that.

The past week, bottling everything made me miserable, at times I felt that I literally couldn't breathe. Almost like a asthma attack. I did have a minor asthma problem when I was young. Words like die, coma, faint came to mind immediately. Also, I felt that I became a little claustrophobic - meaning: can't be cooped up in a small space for too long. The feeling became worst especially when I am alone and there is nothing but emptiness.

I confess that partly I gotten myself into that state for thinking too much. But...
I just can't help it.

Anyway, I am quite glad I released my grasp and finally let go. Maybe a week later, I will feel better. But I can say that I am alright now.

To the kind but worried friends, thanks so much for your concern. You have no idea how much it really means to me. =)

I think I can finally go to sleep with a peace of mind. Sweet dreams to me and everyone=)

emotions?

Daph, I have been reading your blog. Especially the last entry. I can relate to how you feel. *hugs* gal. Don't think too much yea.

Having said that, I wonder why I don't practice what I preach?

I felt it was necessary to blog even with tons of work waiting for me to do. I need to express my emotions before I explode.

For the past few days, I tried to my best means to concentrate on my studies and work; allowing NOTHING to interfere. However, it seems that I am about to crumble. I always thought I will never allow something so minute to come in between, but it seems punishment has already been dealt. There is simply no point in trying to run away or hide from it. I accept my punishment, but I beg of you to be lenient. Being that I am already broken, I hope my sentence won't be a harsh one.

Hurt would be an understatement of how I am feeling now.

Beyond repair and beyond hope of ever healing from this pain. Or so I say. Given time, would it heal me? We shall see...







I shall give my utmost in concentrating. One day, I would understand better. But at the moment, I am living each day with a fresh new wound, especially when I am alone. =(

MIA?

Due to projects, quizzes and soon arriving examinations, I have decided to forgo using MSN since I hardly chat with you guys anyway. Anyway, to my project peeps, I would be by my email 24/7 now. So anything, you know the how to get me =D.


Good luck to all taking PBPN quiz on Monday. And to me as well, since I would be working. BUT, not as hard as Daph and Sherrilyn. =p

no school! =D

YAY-ness! There is NO lessons today. Jealous huh? =X
Anyway, was awoke at 8.30am. Kinda early huh. Well, I slept at 10 plus last night. =X
Had two slice of toast (no butter or margarine. healthy =X) then started with my project. Half way through, had suddenly cravings of alcohol. I know, early in the morning, alcohol???
I waited for my brother to leave the house and I started mixing. If you are reading this, please don't tell mom. =p



Drinking while attempting my project. The mix was exceptional:
About 100ml of Hennessy Cognac. Pour it in a wine glass. Warm the glass with a lighter and set the liquor on fire. Repeat a few times till you are satisfied. Empty a cold can of coca cola into a large beer mug. Add the 'burned' alcohol and mix. Add lots of ice and enjoy. =DDD!!!
The most fabulous combination EVER! Enjoy peeps =)))

being sick

How many times can we count for the very first time we did something?

In nearly close to a century, I have not stepped into a polyclinic. It was an eye-opener to be in one for such a long time. The familiar scent of the clinic, the sound that buzz when its your turn to see the doctor etc.

3 hours later...

I felt psychologically exhausted. Like a virus, it slowly crept into my bones and my flesh. Till it slowly ate me alive. Like a bottomless pit, I felt myself falling and falling and falling...
Suddenly, I woke up. "Stop this rubbish. Stop thinking. STOP!" I told myself. The next few minutes I was alive again, back to the usual me. And unconsciously my mind began to wonder "Are they doing something behind my back?..."

I got to admit, there is no better cure than laughter. A huge dose of it cures even the worst cancer imaginable. However, these days, it seems that it's just a weapon I use to hide the true facade. For those few hours, I really felt happy. But when night falls...

I don't think I can handle this. It is really hard. This battle, I admit defeat. =(

COLD STORAGE!

Started my part-time job. Nerve-wrecking experience compared to GIANT. But Cold Storage Scores more points in professionalism. =) *it's always good to suck up =X* Of cause NOT! But its professionalism really beats GIANT.

http://www.coldstorage.com.sg

After work, decided to take a picture of my uniform. WHY? I realised with my new haircut and the uniform (black bottom and top is provided) I look like a secondary school student! =X

SCARY!

Anyway, below is my name tag: Winston Tan, Trainee =DDD!

HAHA. Location of the place would not be given. WHY? Cause I haven't open my own counter and it's embarrassing to see people I know. hehe. Till then =)

Sugar Loaf

It was my second time at Sugar Loaf - This *I think I would call this a...* restaurant that was in our school. It was with the collaboration of this course (forgot the name) from Business School in TP. Anyway, the picture below is what my friends and I order. Though I would say it was due to 'low supplies' which was why most of what we ordered looks the same. =X


Personally, I ordered Bread and Butter pudding. A traditional, old-fashioned choice for a dessert. Hoping it will fill my almost famished tummy after a few days without lunch =X. By the way, that Bread and Butter pudding cost me $3. Though I wouldn't consider that expensive, it was still quite pricey for something that consist of just bread and butter. BUT, due to ingredients such as dried cranberries, pistachios and a side sauce that was bitter (to complement the sweet pudding) I guess $3 is fine. *don't blame me, I'm an uncle at heart =X*
The main point is: I wasn't satisfied. Why? Bread and Butter pudding has to be eaten warm or hot. At what temperature it was served to me? - below room temperature. Disappointed. There was a thin layer of gelatin which is really fine to me but honestly, I think they added the gelatin to give that shine to the pudding. When I tried to scoop a spoonful, I had so much difficulty trying to break the pudding. OMG! Some recipes or rather most recipes for Bread and Butter pudding uses stale bread. I guess either the bread they use is extremely stale, or it is really hard/firm/tough bread they used.


I really like the presentation of the food but when it comes to taste...A big NO-NO. On the scale of 1 to 5, this only gets 1.5 - 1 because the cutlery they used is nice =X and 0.5 for the coldness (the weather was really hot today) though contradicting to what I said '...has to be eaten warm/hot' =X But hey, at least they get 1.5! I am not that mean to give zero, though I think they do deserve it =X!!!

..........................................................................................

Wondering how these people are able to have balance in their life - Balancing studies and work. My life would be reaching the turning point soon. I will put in the best and utmost effort in everything. However, there are some things where they can't be forced. 免强是没有幸福. Whatever happens, I will clench my teeth and move on.
Sometimes we wish there is more than 24 hours in a day. But as I was typing this, have we ever consider if we talk less on the phone or use less of the internet, would we squeeze out some time from there?












I took a bite of the chocolate and savour the praline goodness and let the warmth of my mouth to melt the cocoa butter that gives that buttery goodness. As the sweetness is savoured, it remind me of the good old times I had. People that I have not see, heard, talk and so on, it scares me to know that with each night gone and each morning arriving before I know it, I am growing older. Hopefully growing wiser, mature and filled with wisdom and knowledge. However, as each day come, I fear for knowing that one day my parents won't be here. You may nag/scold but I know you always did everything for me. You may annoy me with endless question and repeated questions that has already been answered, but I know that you are simply human and tend to forget things. Regardless of what happens, to my mummy and daddy,
I love you very much!

I am sorry!

Bad start to the new Gregorian year and a bad ending to the Chinese Lunar calendar. I offended somebody today. I gritted my teeth and lied. Something I shouldn't have done. But given the circumstance, I guess somebody like me would have chosen to lie(that person was bigger in size). It was really immature, insensitive, stupid and horrendous of me to have displayed that action that in any way caused hurt, anger or grieve. I apologize with all sincerity. I fully regrets what I have done that. I am sorry.

Thinking back, I thought that no matter what I might have done, there wasn't any evidence for you to have cornered me and tried to pick a fight. Actually after that incident, I seriously felt more hatred and anger. But, ultimately, I was at fault. I apologize once again.

Anyway, this incident aside, there were mixed feelings in me...again.
Felt that sometimes, it is just NOT worth it. There is just so much I can do. *sighs* Today was just a bad day - heavy rain, that incident (the one above) and now this.





Seriously, sometimes I just feel that we should understand one another. There are so many more problems in this world that the pathetic problems you and I face. We should just grow up! Which is why I would just rant once a week from now on =)

lonely...

friend: Why are you such a loner?
wins: Because everyone went away to do something.

Am I really a loner? Debatable question. I would prefer to say that I have different facades in different situations. My level of friendliness depends on my current mood status, recent events plus other minute factors.
Sometimes I think that I think too much. huh? haha =D. I pause to take a look at my life - what does people take me for? Am I that nice to be taken for granted?
Problems. They arise for a reason. Whatever reason it is, these problems are just building blocks in making us stronger. That was what I used to believe in. But now...
Why can't things just be the way they are? Simple and without a (hidden) agenda. I wish that I can be that innocent boy I used to be. Growing up is just hard...

I don't need much. I just want to be merry and live this miserable life without regrets.






Times like these are times when I felt you here. Felt the presence of you comforting and consoling me. Telling me that the evils of this world is beyond our power to prevent it. As you comfort me, my heart skipped a beat and a tear rolled down my cheek. I love you.

tea and dinner...=D

I need CHOCOLATE! haha. Met ter at Raffles City. Tried desserts at this cafe - Canele Cafe. Very classy. Almost similar to Bakerin. Was dying to try their macaroons but it was more expensive than Bakerin. Anyway, I am really really flat broke which was why I didn't try it. I need MONEY $$$ *hint hint* =X jkjkjk

Gateaux Chocolate - wins

Passionfruit Italian soda - ter

After much thought, settled for dinner at this hangout which was similar to Cafe Cartel. What a day huh? Eating at cafes/restaurants that are similar to others =X

This is what I had. Tiger Prawn something something. =X

From the picture, honestly it looks okay but after remembering its name Tiger Prawn and the prawn served look like shrimps...I thought it wasn't worth paying $16++. The taste was average. Nothing fantastic but then again, what can you expect from $16?

Spice something something - ter *gosh my memory is lousy =X*

Thankfully I didn't order this. It was exactly what it states - SPICY! Thought for me it was tolerable, I guess if I did order this, I would be drinking water instead of eating.

After that, we still felt hungry and went to Genki Sushi! No pictures. =( but thanks to ter for the treat. Thank you, Xie Xie, Terima Kasik, Nan dri, Domo Arigatogozaimus, Komapsumnida! =DDD!

Outings!

Just some random pictures. Trees outside my window.

Snap shot of Nicole. She got her hair extented! OMG is so LONG! =)

Was at play after that. And finally after so LONG, cam-whored with VERON!

Was being random when I took the below picture

At cheesecake! (Look at Nicole's GORGEOUS hair =X)

Was out on Monday. wanted to get this book but... *hint hint* =X

Had dinner the budget way. Headed down to Novena Square in hopes of finding Korean clothes but alas, I have to be a girl to wear them. Why can't there be more guy shops? Oh well...

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Tuesday 8 Jan

Woke up feeling slightly light-headed. Reached for the clock to stop the alarm. Lay in bed while staring at the ceiling in total darkness. Finally got my strength and walked out to take breakfast. After eating, changing etc. left the house with my parents. Was listening to my mp3 all the way to school. Had a feeling today was gonna be different.
Had my first lesson which ended early. Made way down to the canteen to grab a bite. But I wasn't hungry. It could be due to the scolding by a TSO. But...
I felt my heart became heavier due to recent events. It hardened and turned cold. Soon found myself watching the Korean movie in my phone.
I guess it was always my excuse of using a drama to release the anguish, sorrow and dispair trapped in me. After about an hour of sobbing, I felt much better. =)

*sighs*

When something is within your grasp, interest is lost quickly because there was no effort in attaining whatever you wanted to have.

When we go through 'mountain of knife' and 'ocean of fire' (direct translation) and suffer many setbacks and heartaches...
Finally, things managed to work and life became more meaningful.

But given time, who is to know that we won't get tired/lose interest?







I just need some time to think through matters. But, whatever happens, I pray I won't lose hope. The few days spent in silence, I thought I did feel something. But after that, I felt colder and more miserable. However, I will take the next few days to think. And hope for the best =)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Was out on 31st Dec. WOW. everywhere was PACKED with EVERYONE. Started of the day with an 8am class. Was awake by my alarm at 6.30am. Feeling real lethargic and exhausted, took the miraculous beverage called coffee - the same does *one heap tbsp coffee* Perhaps my body is getting used to it which explains why it had little effect. Off to school I went. After the 1 hr lecture at 8am, had 3 hours break before the next lecture. And back home again. Was suppose to get some work done but...
Was planning not to go to Paige's gathering due to certain circumstances but when I was about to take my afternoon nap, the phone saved me from spending NYE by myself. But, I am quite glad it did =)
Paige's friends were superb =p! Though maybe I was just tired which explains my un-friendliness yesterday and the extreme TAK-glam of getting hit my contact solution bottle =X *ouch* but it didn't hurt. Anyway Paige, if you are reading this, get well soon yea and rest well. *hugs*
Did I mention that your friends were superb? haha. Real cool bunch of peeps.
HAPPY NEW YEAR everybody!

Hope you are having a great time and enjoying yourself. Happy New Year! Today is the 3rd day there for you and the 4th day since I last saw you or rather 194 hours since your flight took off. I can't pretend that you are still here. However, on the bright side, you are coming back in 2 days time. Though I don't know the exact timing, I will wait for your call =)

Missing you. It became more pronounced yesterday while I was outside. Kept thinking why couldn't we spend it together? I will wait, but do hurry back. =)