Feeling pissed.

What exactly is to have a happy childhood? There is no clear definition. But I can only give a personal opinion to what it means. I believe it means that a child who feels happy during their childhood. When I look back, I regret not having the chance to try this or that. As most teenagers with an older sibling know their parents like to compare between the two. On top of that, when the elder one have lets say, music lessons, and if the older sibling gave up half way, they(parents) make a mental note saying don't allow the younger child to go for music lessons as he might give up and it is a waste of money. Sounds familiar?
on top of that, I wasn't allowed out of the house other than go to school. Yes I admit that I enjoy going on overseas trips but I am talking about my childhood and not whether I am privileged enough to travel. I am talking about mixing with other children my age, going to friends' party, having stay overs. My childhood was far from fun. I was never your typical child who loved his childhood.

Listed below are 3 examples of different children in different kinds of environment.
example 1:the child grows up in an environment where he/she mixes with neighbours' children. Single language environment(speaks mother tongue/dialect). Maybe not so well off but had a fun childhood
example 2:The child grows up in an environment of two language environment(mother tongue and English/Singlish). Also, mixes around with the neighbours' children.
example 3:Speaks one language(English). The child is able to socialize with other children living from that area.

Well, I came from the second example. I think. I stayed in HDB for 12 years before moving to where I am now(however, going to move out soon but that's not the point). I speak mostly English/Singlish and the occasional Chinese. I didn't learn dialect when I was young, only recently(but that's not the point too). I was not allowed to go to friends' parties or go out with friends. I didn't have many friends when I was younger(in my neighbourhood). I didn't do normal things like what all little boys do when they are younger - play bball or soccer or other stuff.

When I was in primary school, I had fun, my friends were from various background. It also didn't help that I went to single sex school. However, I did make friends. Soon, the PSLE results were out. I didn't managed to go to the affiliated secondary school due to poor results. I entered the secondary school of my last choice alone. None of my friends or even school mates were entering the same secondary school as me. I felt really depressed. Slowly, I lost contact with my primary school friends. Also, being in a new environment was a bigger problem - Making friends. Worst of all, since I was in a 'neighbourhood' school, the students there were talking in their own lingo and half the time I didn't even know what they were talking about. With time, I began to make friends with my class. Also, I joined a CCA and made more friends. However, whenever my CCA starts, I always wondered why the seniors were speaking more to my friend than me. I wasn't being jealous but I couldn't help but wonder why. Alas, after a long time, I found out the truth. They couldn't connect with me. Not that I am weird or anything, they think that I was 'high' class. Not high class as in snobbish but as in, I seldom speak like 'wah lao eeh, lidat also dunno meh'. 4 years passed with the blink of an eye. Now that I entered poly. At least I can say, it doesn't really pose as an issue...for now.

Also, I always wondered why I seem so much more different than other people. My mind seems to be thinking about my future and other stuff and not on things like LAN, DOTA or maplestory or 'go chiong' . Everyday I fear about my future for how will it become or will I succeed or will I get a job or what if one day I became financially handicapped. Thoughts, questions and what ifs runs through my mind like the never ending flow of the river. Why can't I leave this to my parents to worry about and enjoy life like most teenagers?

To add on to the erupting frustration I already have, I need things like religion to come into my life. By religion, I would like to highlight Christianity. Why do they have to convert us? I know the LORD is high and almighty. But like what the bible states, everyone has free will. Don't I have it too?

I used to be believe in God when I was very young because I was lost and afraid. I prayed to the LORD hoping that I would be free. Sometimes, I cry to myself at night. Why? I don't even know why. I thought I needed spiritual guidance. But what I need really is some care and concern. From who? My parents of cause. Like when I quarreled with my ex-cousin(I renounce knowing her) from Australia(because I knew it was she who hacked my hotmail account. Long story. Don't wish to talk about it). My mom didn't even acknowledge the fact that it could be her. No one believe it was her(including all my relatives). I was so frustrated. She(ex-cousin) really played the 'blur and innocent' really well. Like 'oh. I didn't do it. I don't know what are you talking about'. One word, BULLSHIT! I was so fucking pissed that day, I hurled vulgarities at her saying she is a bitch and fuck like she didn't know. The hatred that was kept bottled in me for so long finally started erupting. upon hearing that, her father erupted too and lashed out at me saying how can I say that and blah blah blah blah blah. Of cause, I was reckless and I didn't know when you start hurling vulgarities, you are obviously the loser. I say this as I have say it before, it is the principle behind it. If she had done it to her company's account, siphon the company's money, lets see how would her parents think about that. Since she is the only child, they believe anything she says. sighs.

This incident happened a a few years ago. You may think that it is extremely petty of me to remember what she did, but if you were me, how would you feel if a very close cousin did this to you? DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME! Who the FUCK do you think you are to judge me. Unless you have been through what I have, then I rest my case.

Nobody understands how I feel. The power of disguise makes me look as if I am always happy
and smiling. No one really knows how much bottled anger and resentment is held inside me.

I am on the verge of suicide.