loooong time

I haven't been exactly posting recently, so I will just do a brief update.

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Monday, I had HAP. Instead of dealing with urine, this time, we were dealing with saliva. Which one is more gross, I have no idea. Mrs Usha - no time management. Always taking her own sweet time. Talking and talking about things that sometimes are not relevant. Coil and coil. Also, we had a make-up tutorial as we were slightly behind schedule. It was at 5pm. It so happen that on that day, we end at 5pm due to PIPC tutorial but we pushed it up to 12-1pm as all the other tutorials were sort of cancelled. So we actually could have gone home at 1 but no. The OBC make up tutorial was last minute. Sighs.

Luan and Me(see that I am trying to be shorter than her)

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On Tuesday, we didn't have M&S1 tutorial but HAP make up tutorial as my tutor could not make it on Monday. It went quite well just that I didn't print my tutorial the night before so I ended up writing on a piece of paper. SFP lecture was hilarious as usual. Followed by two hours of OBC lecture. Usually, the mere mention of OBC will send shivers down my spine followed by an mentabolic reaction where I become really sleepy and lethargic. But miraculously, I was extremely attentive. I paid attention to what Mr Tan was talking. Anyway, after that was a extremely long 3 hours break before CO. Yes, I went to CO that day as I had to return the zhongruan I borrowed. I learnt a bit of pipa that day. kinda glad. But, there were this two people gossiping about me. It was so obvious la. Not that I am so BHB to think that people will gossip about me but, I could tell from their expressions and eye contacts. It is just so annoying. wanna gossip? Go ahead. Don't do it in front of me right. Don't understand with singaporean these days.

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On Wednesday was national day. This year was really different. For the first time, I didn't feel that sort of feeling when national day is here. The whole day for me felt like a weekend. There was no patriotism in me. Not that I even intend to be very patriotic. Maybe it is because the government is really unfair towards poly students. No extra holiday. Pay adult fair(even though we are of same age as JC students and they pay child fare[no offence to JC students]). Anyway, I just didn't feel the kind of feeling I felt a few years ago.

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On Thursday. Fabulous Thursday as I would call it. Two hours of HAP lecture early in the morn. Was quite attentive. I mean come on, the topic was on Reproductive System. Who wouldn't be attentive. heh. Apparently, I learnt that in semen, it contains fructose(a fruit sugar). So my lecturer told us a joke - There was another lecturer who was lecturing on the reproductive system and told the students about semen containing fructose as food for the sperm. So one girl at the back of the LT raise her hand and asked,"if semen contains fructose, why isn't it sweet?".
LOL!

picture of my fellow classmates just before going into the FOOD Lab!

the rest of my class before entering the FOOD Lab.

Daniel.

David. He loves to call other people noob when he is one when it comes to SFP.

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Today. First two hours were PIPC lecture. Extremely boring. Began to feel a little headache-ish. Did my HAP lab report during the lecture. After that was M&S1. Also boring. Kept disturbing my friends. We had a break. When to the library to talk. Then it was SFP,OBC and HAP. We didn't exactly know whether we had APEL. Seriously, who actually learns something from ABEL? If someone say they did learn something, that's bullshit! It is a complete waste of my time. My friends have ended their APEL a long time ago. And we didn't have it today, but Ms Mah should be kind enough to let us know earlier right. Why make us waste our time. Sighs. Well, that's about all for today.

Falling

I have fallen from the point of no return. This feeling that once over-whelms me is back again. The coldness in the heart. The smile that was wiped off my face. Tears begin to gush out. The world seem to fall onto me. Everything is a blur. Is it really my fault. But why? Back then I used to feel like this till I said to myself don't care. It really starts affecting me again.
I don't if I can continue this facade in this charade. It has to stop. Besides, I don't have the will power to continue on.

The night is young, the day is old,
Let the light lead the way foretold.
Thou will not fight nor be over-throw,
Till the day I'm able to gain control.
In this time and space as I chant my prayer,
Allowing you to seek my betrayer.
I have no yearns nor desires to fulfill.
The only wish is that you hear my will.
Come to me as I summon thee,
Destroy my soul so mote it be!

Blessed be!

Feeling pissed.

What exactly is to have a happy childhood? There is no clear definition. But I can only give a personal opinion to what it means. I believe it means that a child who feels happy during their childhood. When I look back, I regret not having the chance to try this or that. As most teenagers with an older sibling know their parents like to compare between the two. On top of that, when the elder one have lets say, music lessons, and if the older sibling gave up half way, they(parents) make a mental note saying don't allow the younger child to go for music lessons as he might give up and it is a waste of money. Sounds familiar?
on top of that, I wasn't allowed out of the house other than go to school. Yes I admit that I enjoy going on overseas trips but I am talking about my childhood and not whether I am privileged enough to travel. I am talking about mixing with other children my age, going to friends' party, having stay overs. My childhood was far from fun. I was never your typical child who loved his childhood.

Listed below are 3 examples of different children in different kinds of environment.
example 1:the child grows up in an environment where he/she mixes with neighbours' children. Single language environment(speaks mother tongue/dialect). Maybe not so well off but had a fun childhood
example 2:The child grows up in an environment of two language environment(mother tongue and English/Singlish). Also, mixes around with the neighbours' children.
example 3:Speaks one language(English). The child is able to socialize with other children living from that area.

Well, I came from the second example. I think. I stayed in HDB for 12 years before moving to where I am now(however, going to move out soon but that's not the point). I speak mostly English/Singlish and the occasional Chinese. I didn't learn dialect when I was young, only recently(but that's not the point too). I was not allowed to go to friends' parties or go out with friends. I didn't have many friends when I was younger(in my neighbourhood). I didn't do normal things like what all little boys do when they are younger - play bball or soccer or other stuff.

When I was in primary school, I had fun, my friends were from various background. It also didn't help that I went to single sex school. However, I did make friends. Soon, the PSLE results were out. I didn't managed to go to the affiliated secondary school due to poor results. I entered the secondary school of my last choice alone. None of my friends or even school mates were entering the same secondary school as me. I felt really depressed. Slowly, I lost contact with my primary school friends. Also, being in a new environment was a bigger problem - Making friends. Worst of all, since I was in a 'neighbourhood' school, the students there were talking in their own lingo and half the time I didn't even know what they were talking about. With time, I began to make friends with my class. Also, I joined a CCA and made more friends. However, whenever my CCA starts, I always wondered why the seniors were speaking more to my friend than me. I wasn't being jealous but I couldn't help but wonder why. Alas, after a long time, I found out the truth. They couldn't connect with me. Not that I am weird or anything, they think that I was 'high' class. Not high class as in snobbish but as in, I seldom speak like 'wah lao eeh, lidat also dunno meh'. 4 years passed with the blink of an eye. Now that I entered poly. At least I can say, it doesn't really pose as an issue...for now.

Also, I always wondered why I seem so much more different than other people. My mind seems to be thinking about my future and other stuff and not on things like LAN, DOTA or maplestory or 'go chiong' . Everyday I fear about my future for how will it become or will I succeed or will I get a job or what if one day I became financially handicapped. Thoughts, questions and what ifs runs through my mind like the never ending flow of the river. Why can't I leave this to my parents to worry about and enjoy life like most teenagers?

To add on to the erupting frustration I already have, I need things like religion to come into my life. By religion, I would like to highlight Christianity. Why do they have to convert us? I know the LORD is high and almighty. But like what the bible states, everyone has free will. Don't I have it too?

I used to be believe in God when I was very young because I was lost and afraid. I prayed to the LORD hoping that I would be free. Sometimes, I cry to myself at night. Why? I don't even know why. I thought I needed spiritual guidance. But what I need really is some care and concern. From who? My parents of cause. Like when I quarreled with my ex-cousin(I renounce knowing her) from Australia(because I knew it was she who hacked my hotmail account. Long story. Don't wish to talk about it). My mom didn't even acknowledge the fact that it could be her. No one believe it was her(including all my relatives). I was so frustrated. She(ex-cousin) really played the 'blur and innocent' really well. Like 'oh. I didn't do it. I don't know what are you talking about'. One word, BULLSHIT! I was so fucking pissed that day, I hurled vulgarities at her saying she is a bitch and fuck like she didn't know. The hatred that was kept bottled in me for so long finally started erupting. upon hearing that, her father erupted too and lashed out at me saying how can I say that and blah blah blah blah blah. Of cause, I was reckless and I didn't know when you start hurling vulgarities, you are obviously the loser. I say this as I have say it before, it is the principle behind it. If she had done it to her company's account, siphon the company's money, lets see how would her parents think about that. Since she is the only child, they believe anything she says. sighs.

This incident happened a a few years ago. You may think that it is extremely petty of me to remember what she did, but if you were me, how would you feel if a very close cousin did this to you? DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME! Who the FUCK do you think you are to judge me. Unless you have been through what I have, then I rest my case.

Nobody understands how I feel. The power of disguise makes me look as if I am always happy
and smiling. No one really knows how much bottled anger and resentment is held inside me.

I am on the verge of suicide.

WHAT!!

I can't believe it. My life is getting from exciting to okay to BORING! Why? Due to the coming exams which is like in 2.0000000 weeks. Yes, you saw correctly 2 weeks. Everyone is like studying and mugging and burying their heads in their notes. Except for me. Hard to believe since I have a face of a nerd. lol. If you people are wondering why this week no food updates of some restaurant, well, I am sorta broke. lol. Well, not broke as in broke but...ya, broke. Anyway, I only had cheesecake yesterday. Rum and Raisin. 'ter had Chocolate Banana(non cheese cake). Both were really yummy. Too lazy and expensive(cost money to send it to my mail) to upload the picture from my phone. In addition, my phone camera is like 'SUPER' marvelous. riighhttt. Anyway, today I didn't do much work. Copied the notes from PX cause I didn't go to OBC lecture. The extremely long two hours lecture with Mrs Usha playing with the phone wire trying to explain to us about amino acids and proteins. lol.
NOTE: That was my first, VERY first time skipping lecture. Isn't that exciting? heh.
Also, I copied the 7 primal cuts of beef(cow) on a piece of paper plus the retail parts with the suggested cooking methods. Didn't really do much work today. So dead. Need to finish up the extra topics for maths followed by studying my subjects. Especially the long overdued HAP. I suck at biology. because everything is just memorize and memorize. I need a good memory if I want to pass. In fact, I think I already fail my coursework. However, deep inside me I am hoping that I pass my coursework. Then if I pass 50% or more for my main, I don't have to take sub. *fingers crossed*
well, I better get going, oh ya, note to everyone out there - if you have water melon or any melon related fruit, don't be greedy and eat so many cause it is really cooling that will thus result you in diarrhea.

insatiable appetite

Before I entered poly, life was pretty plain for me. Everything was already planned out by the Government or my family. When you are born you go through play school, nursery, kindergarten, primary and secondary school. After that *dramatic pause* suddenly life is in your hands. After so many years of dependence or following this system, we have to take control of our life. I have never felt more lost then than before. Where should I go? Junior College? Polytechnic? After that, should I further my studies? In the first place, what is my dream career? I didn't know, although we go through the first 16 years of your life, we actually have to think of our dream job. Without knowing will cause all hell to break loose when you have like 3 days to submit your application on where to continue your studies(poly or JC).
After all that drama, I finally got into poly. TP to be exact. Nowadays, I live my life on a day to day basis. Live today for you wouldn't know whether you will still be around tml. I realised that too much planning will cause us to be very rigid. Of cause, if we fail to plan, we plan to fail. We need to plan in moderation. Lets say, we have plan A, B and C. Right now, plan A is working for you. Suddenly, some obstacle get in your way, you move to plan B. A few years later, you bumped into another obstacle. You move to plan C. But what if you meet another obstacle, you have run out of plans. What would you do. Some might say, we should make a million plans before we got started. Is this even possible? Why don't we acquire something called 'adaptability'. This amazing plan will last anyone a lifetime without having to change and change. Why? Because adaptability helps us to get use to new surroundings. Without it, you can try and think of 1000000 plans.
anyway, my life is getting duller by the minute. Need some new excitement in my life. However, I am afraid that this is only possible after the semester exams. Going to hit the books.